Completely Euphoric

BASICALLY...

I am completely enjoying my life right now. I'm starting to weed out all the negativity that's been hindering me from becoming the person I want to be and it feels great. Despite all the things that have happened in the past couple of weeks, I've been completely positive and almost euphoric about everything and everyone involved in my life. I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for and I'm really starting to figure out who I want in my life and what I want to start doing to keep things moving in the right direction!For once I'm pretty much drama free and that's because I'm making it so. I'm getting healthy and quitting some bad habbits. I feel like I'm getting out of this rut I've been in since highschool and I'm thankful. The dirty competition and fighting has been eliminated from my life. I'm hanging out with people who bring out the good in me and we encourage eachother and it's made being positive a whole lot easier! It feels so incredible to know that if you change the way you think, you will in turn change the way you live your life and you will change the lives of those around you. Things are just going so perfectly and I hope they continue this way.

It's Time to Clear My Soul

Last week my friend Bryan died. This is the worst I've felt since Ryan died in 2008. Just about every year now, since Ryan's death, someone close to me has taken their own life... 3 suicides and even 2 natural deaths have occurred and it really does put a huge weight on my heart. All these people I love are leaving me and I'm stuck at the crossroads. I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and keep a sane head on my shoulders but all these things have really been taking a toll on my emotions. So, I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone a little bit and take a trip to Duluth with my best friend and her family.
Duluth was FANTASTIC. Never have I felt so refreshed in my entire life. Most of the things that I needed to resolve within myself I was able to tack down. It's amazing how changing your surroundings puts you in a completely different mindset. Anyways, I met some amazingly positive people who have led me to this way of thinking>>>> "The way you think creates your reality" [duh laws of attraction]
So basically saying that if you think happy thoughts, your life will be happy too! Which is now my life's motto.
Thankfully, it was a successful trip and I think I got what I needed to get back on my feet and back in this CRAZY game called life :)

All I have to say is, NEVER EVER forget how much people love you. There might be days that you think you're completely alone in this world but you have NO idea how much of an impact you really make in people's lives.

LOVE AND BE LOVED.

Pride.

Last week I met some pretty incredible people. Little did I know that each and everyone of them would change my life a little bit over the next week. They have all taught me to be proud of who you are. These people have inspired me more than anyone I have ever met in my life. They bring such positivity to the people around them and I am blessed to have them in my life. This past weekend we celebrated the gay community in Minneapolis and PRIDE was an experience to remember. I love each and every one of my new friends. Thank you and I love you.

Insomnia.

Hello. My name is Jessica Zelenak, and I am an Insomniac.

To Do (No Exceptions)

I have been compiling a bucket list since before I could remember and I thought I would document it online so I would always have record of it. So without further adue:

- See the New York City skyline
- Write a book/ create a coffee table book
- Walk the Santa Monica pier
- Read abook cover to cover in 1 day
- Make it to Ireland
- Create a painting larger than 4' x 4'
- Ride a train
- Send a message in a bottle
- Ballroom dance with the love of my life
- See the sun rise
- Roadtrip cross-country
- Learn how to drive a stick shift convertible with the top down
- Tell someone the story of my life without sparing any details
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to be continued...

Ryan Jacobs, You Haunt My Very Existence

So I'm just sitting here by myself and started thinking about how life throws so many obstacles at us and how they continually alter the way we proceed to the future. I know that I have been through alot in my life, but I don't see (yet) how those tragedies have effected me.
All I can think about, sometimes, is how he could only figure out one solution for all his problems . Why do I think his suicide was a selfish way to deal? He might not be "suffering" anymore but everyone he left behind won't ever forget what happend and will always endure the pain of not completely understanding why he killed himself. He was my brother and my best friend, and I've coped with the initial pain of losing Ryan, but I will never, ever, get over the fact that I can't: call him, text him, email him, send a letter... because I know I will never recieve a response. I wish that praying could break that barrier but whenever I kneel with my palms pressed together, all I hear is silence. One of my friends says that if you really "believe" then you will hear God through your soul... And I believe... or maybe I just want to believe. I think about him every day.
I think this specific event is what fuels my fire for art. Or, at least the majority of my photography right now. Whenever I get behind a camera for some reason, the sadness I feel from losing Ryan, is captured in each frame. I find the sadness behind everthing. Call me a pessimist but I can't take happy photos unless I, litterally, PUSH him from my mind, and that's rare. That's all. Rest peacefully Ryan Jacobs. I hope you are relieved of all the stresses of this world because those of us you left behind are still pushing.