So I'm just sitting here by myself and started thinking about how life throws so many obstacles at us and how they continually alter the way we proceed to the future. I know that I have been through alot in my life, but I don't see (yet) how those tragedies have effected me.
All I can think about, sometimes, is how he could only figure out one solution for all his problems . Why do I think his suicide was a selfish way to deal? He might not be "suffering" anymore but everyone he left behind won't ever forget what happend and will always endure the pain of not completely understanding why he killed himself. He was my brother and my best friend, and I've coped with the initial pain of losing Ryan, but I will never, ever, get over the fact that I can't: call him, text him, email him, send a letter... because I know I will never recieve a response. I wish that praying could break that barrier but whenever I kneel with my palms pressed together, all I hear is silence. One of my friends says that if you really "believe" then you will hear God through your soul... And I believe... or maybe I just want to believe. I think about him every day.
I think this specific event is what fuels my fire for art. Or, at least the majority of my photography right now. Whenever I get behind a camera for some reason, the sadness I feel from losing Ryan, is captured in each frame. I find the sadness behind everthing. Call me a pessimist but I can't take happy photos unless I, litterally, PUSH him from my mind, and that's rare. That's all. Rest peacefully Ryan Jacobs. I hope you are relieved of all the stresses of this world because those of us you left behind are still pushing.
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